can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
