Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Randomize
