I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
