I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
