Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
