We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
