i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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