I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
