Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
