What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My bed smells like the plague
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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