We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
