I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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