i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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