I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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