i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
