Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
