the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
