just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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