he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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