Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
