Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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