ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
