I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
