he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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