Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
