I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
not ubering you a puppy
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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