How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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