drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
