Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
