I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
