there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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