woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
