OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
