i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
