No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Randomize