What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
