I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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