you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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