Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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