i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
