WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
