So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
