Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
