Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
