Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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