i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
