I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
