So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
