the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need to sanitize my soul.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
