At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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