"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
