I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
