I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
