I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
