I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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