You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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