Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
