Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
