oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
