I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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