I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
