my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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