I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
