I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
where does the pee come out of this thing
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You left your phone here
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