U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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