PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
