it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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