I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
